Platonacy

Photo via Azra

Platonic male/female relationships: they've baffled all of us. They've been the subject of many a Sex in the City episode. Nearly every dating and relationship blogger had tackled the issue. We've all seen When Harry Met Sally. We've all read, watched and heard about the complexities of male/female friendships.

Nearly all of the stories people share about their closest cross-gender-non-sexual relationships have one of those "well, there was that one night when we were really drunk" plot points in their narrative. Even if that never happens, no matter how platonic things are, there always seems to be something there. But what is that thing that's there? Why don't we act on it? And can that thing ruin a perfectly good platonic union?

It's no secret that that thing is sex. Sex is the great dangling participle in every male/female relationship (English major innuendo). It's just hanging out there, waiting to be acted upon.
But there are many reasons we don't act on it. We think that in order to preserve our platonacy (new word!), we have to keep that sexual energy at bay. We don't want to make things complicated, so we bottle that energy up and let it become more and more combustible.

It's true that sex can really demolish a friendship. That truism has been described from every possible angle, and everyone has tackled it, from Shakespeare to Cosmo. I'm not advocating by any means that you just say eff it and hop into bed with your bestie. But it seems that letting that sexual energy bounce all over the place can be just as damaging. When you (or they) have a sexual impulse, what you do about it can greatly effect the outcome of your relationship. If you stifle it, that feeling just turns into repressed sexual energy and it will put a strain on your friendship. You’ll inevitably become sexually frustrated, and this can lead to you projecting romance onto your friendship. That can make things wholly complicated.

So instead of bottling this energy up, or getting to the bottom of a bottle and acting on it, why not take a different approach to diffuse your sexual energy. When your heterosexual life partner grants you a reason to get all hot and bothered, don't push it away or wrap your arms around them (unless you totally want to for all the right reasons). Just take a few deep breaths, and feel into the place in your body where the energy is bubbling up. Send your awareness there. Then focus all of your intention on it to allow it to turn into something else. Sexual energy can be channeled into creative energy really easily. It can also be channeled into energy that can be used for physical activities. So maybe when you get the urge, just ask your bestie to create something with you or to go for a walk.

What do you think about sexual energy in platonic relationships?

Some Elated Musings On Freedom

I could spend this beautiful morning talking about how gorgeous the men are on the eastern slope of the Colorado Rockies. I could talk about how the term Menver holds within it a universal truth; namely that there are tons of men here, and that they are all amazing, high caliber human beings. I could take the time sitting in the sunshine, in a corner of a small coffee shop, on the corner of 13th St and College avenue, in Boulder to talk exitedly about the lovely men and women wandering through the door, and how alternative, healthy and outdoorsy everyone here is. I could talk about how endearing they are with their careers in education, public administration, and non-profit stuff.

I could take a moment to talk about how suprisingly effective online dating is, and how it makes it easier to connect with like-minded people when you're in a new place. I could talk about great places to meet outdoorsy men and women. 

But I won't talk about any of those things this morning. I'd rather this post be like a haiku on the face of this public journaling endeavour. I want to be able to read it, and feel the soft flow of constant energy, that can become stagnant when you're in a monogomous relationship. I want to remember that that's exactly what I'm feeling right now. I want to remember this golden moment of freedom, possibility and existence that all blend together and form this constant desire to make eye contact, to connect and to explore. I'd rather talk about the openness that being alone for some time has finally created. 

I could easily have talked about all of those things at the beginning of this post at length, but I'm more interested in the fact that in the past five days, I've become open to experiencing those things. I spent the past 8 months healing and noticing the patterns of being single, but I've never been able to fully dive into what it means experientially. What I've learned is that being single is a great opportunity to create your own existence, to develop real independence and to be able to share that created existence and independent spirit with others. It doesn't have to be a struggle that creates desire. It can be an opening that allows desire to flow in and out. 

Sometimes, I hold my breath. I wait for the other shoe to drop. I try to analyze the information. I begin to disect it, and reduce it into digestible chunks to make it easier to swallow for my readers, and for myself. But when I try to deduce everything into simple tips, tricks, rants and raves, I miss out on the lessons, the big picture. I don't think that does my readers any justice. I don't believe I do myself a service by doing so. It doesn't feel like my truth. So perhaps I'll talk about those things some other day. But I won't be talking about them on this beautiful morning in the sunny corner of this coffee shop in Boulder, where I sit by myself, making eyes at everyone who walks in the door, completely alone, but never lonely.

Opposites Attract... Riiiiight.

We've all heard that saying. It's something your grandma said when your grandpa did something that she didn't necessarily approve of. It was what we all saw in Richard Gere's eyes when he fell for a prostitute in Pretty Woman. As a matter of fact, almost every romantic comedy ever made seems to begin on these grounds. The cool high school jock falls for the hapless and messy nerd. The two good looking characters arguing about everything at the beginning of the movie are almost guaranteed to find something in each other that they just can't live without.

It's an interesting theme that runs throughout a lot of our popular fiction. But beyond fiction, it turns out we all really buy into this notion. According to a poll conducted on a popular internet dating site, 87.5% of human daters claim that they'd like to find a partner with opposite personality traits than their own. It seems that we really like to believe that we're capable of daily conflict resolution and grasping onto whatever small common ground we can find. Am I the only person who finds this kind of behavior absolutely insane?

Okay, I'll admit it. There's some personal inspiration for this post, as there usually is. I briefly met a dude at my local coffee shop about a week ago. We exchanged a few words, and he drove off in an awesome blue green Jeep with no wind shield. He seemed adventurous, mountainous, and like the kind of Denver dude that I would love to get to know more about.

We saw each other a few other times, but today was the first time that I had the opportunity to chat with him. It's hilarious how little we had in common. We started to click at first, but there was no denying that we were on two opposite sides of the spectrum. He's a jaded cynic. I'm more of a happy go lucky optimist. I'm into bare bones travel. His idea of adventure probably involves indoor plumbing.

It’s been interesting to say the least. He shuddered when I said I shaved my legs “every once in awhile.” I almost gagged when he said, “I wasn’t an arms dealer, but I dealt with arms.” The granola loving hippie falls for the coffee shop capitalist. Probably not. But it got my mind wandering around this idea and I started doing the research. Hooking up with the Bizzaro version of yourself seems to be one of the dumbest things you could do with your dating life.

Do you still believe that opposites attract?

Body Language Fail

I sat on the couch across from him and looked at him fondly. We had only been talking an hour, but there was something about this man that I could see myself falling for. Sometimes I can't put my finger on what draws me to a man so quickly, and I've always chalked it up to my affectionate and loving nature. I naturally see the beautiful parts in people. That makes it easy for me to fall in love. It also makes it easy to fall into the arms of the wrong person, because I'm too busy looking past any faults into the shining parts.

But not with this one. It wasn't a mystery. I could put all sorts of fingers on what draws me to this man.

When he walked in the door, I thought that he looked a lot younger than when I met him as he checked me out (literally) at the grocery store. I just hoped he wasn't one of the high school seniors that works part time at Whole Foods. I thought about how plausible this was. I knew virtually nothing about this man before I gave him my phone number.

It was kind of serendipitous. He was filling in for a cashier that afternoon so they could take a break. I was buying hella groceries for my roommate and I, so we had a ton of time to talk while he scanned our weekly supply of avocados. I dug his energy and did something that I don't often do. I just went for it.

So there I was. We were hanging out and I was shocked at how easy it was to "put my finger on it" when it came to this dude.

I'm a sucker for boyish charm and an adventurous spirit. He's flying off to central America to do some traveling by himself. Holy dang! I did that a few months ago. Finger. I dig a good smile and a lovely laugh. Finger. I kill for travel and outdoorsy stories. He's got tons. Finger. I'm into intelligence and creativity. Dude listens to Radiolab, is into astronomy and physics, is completing his MBA this year and... wait for it... he's an artist. Finger. Finger. Finger. Finger. Oh, and did I mention that he cooks? Oh. em. gee.

As you can see, there were a ton of finger on it wins on our first date/hang out. We clicked so much it was almost audible.

So, how did I handle the finale of the night?

We hugged goodbye, and I walked downstairs to let him out. He stood in the doorway staring at me, talking about hanging out again. I stood there wondering if he was going to make a move. I wouldn't deflect it. I mean I put all sorts of fingers on why I'd be totally okay with that going down on our first time hanging out. Then I started wondering if it would lead to some sexin, or if would be awkward, or what any of it would mean when I packed up and moved on. Then I realized how cold I was standing down there. For some reason, he didn't go for it. We said goodnight.

I didn't realize how much I was overthinking it all until the door closed behind him. I looked down and realized that my arms had been crossed over my chest the entire time. It wasn't because I was sending him no no signals, I was cold and I wasn't thinking so much that I wasn't even there. As soon as I realized it, I let my arms fall to my side and waved them around as I huffed my way upstairs.

When I look back at the way things went down, I see now that it really wasn't the time. I was in the middle of my yoga teacher training and had barely had the energy to sleep. I had gone through a lot of my own issues in a short amount of time and was still trying to figure myself out. Perhaps my body knew something my mind wasn't willing to admit. Maybe I really wasn't ready for that just yet.

Has your body ever played tricks on you in a dating scenario?

Sexual Energy

I’ve been chewing on the idea of sexual energy these past few days because my yoga teacher, Ana Forrest, has some pretty interesting insights about it that she shares with us in intensives and training. Many of us have some odd ideas regarding sex, sexuality and our private zones. Even in this "sexually liberated" time, most people (especially women) are disconnected from their sexual feelings and energy. It's interesting to see that during this period of supposed sexual freedom, that people are content with being promiscuous without ever being in touch with their sexual selves, and that there are people who completely deny this energy as some form of sin, or a feeling that they shouldn’t experience unless it’s under certain circumstances.  

Sexuality is a specific energy in our bodies. It triggers a certain release of hormones and chemical compounds throughout our system that gives us that notably tingly feeling. Everyone has the capability of feeling it a regular basis. If you’re in touch with your body, you’ll notice that energy every single day. It's as natural as rain, sunshine and dirt. The interesting thing to note is what we do with that feeling. For some people, that chemical response triggers a response that springs them into action, pushing every obstacle, or good reason why they shouldn't act on the impulse, out of the way. They'll do whatever it takes to release this energy. These folks are on one end of the spectrum, and their desire to release sexual energy can lead to rape, sex addiction, or just a string of meaningless sexual relationships.

On the other end of the sexual energy spectrum, people completely disconnect from their body and that specific energy, perhaps due to trauma or ideology. They shut it down completely, afraid of reliving abuse or being punished by a higher authority. I’m not here to argue that people shouldn’t feel that way. I just think that it would be interesting to explore how sexual energy can be used in a more productive way.  

While sexual energy has a lot of stigma attached to it, it can be one of those magnificent, powerful, energetic forces in your body that can be transformed into healing energy, strength or stamina. Even if you’re uncomfortable with having sexy-time feelings, it’s interesting to explore them when they occur. Don’t think about the person, fantasy, or circumstance that gave you those feelings. Just feel them.

Next... Experiment. See if you can breathe into the source of the feelings. Use the breath to move them into a spot of physical pain, or just move it around the body and see how that makes you feel. Sexual energy is the most infamous aspect of the first chakra, but creativity, a sense of being grounded and courage are associated with this chakra as well. See if you can shift this energy to one of those intentions. Perhaps the next time you see a sexy police officer and start feeling randy, and you either can’t face the feeling, or can’t find a partner, you can experiment with being more brave.

Have you ever experimented with using your sexual energy in a different way?

Simply Single, Finally Free

Isn't it funny that when you finally, fully pull yourself out of your last relationship, when you finally get some real closure, that's when dudes seem to come out of the woodwork and things seem to start rolling your way. It begins to feel as if there are men absolutely everywhere and every single one of them is your type. In this phase, it's easy to get yourself into odd situations and weird places. After you nurse your way back to normal, you can rebound, pick up some lovers, or dabble in the ever popular post-break up whorefest. But who wants to jump out of a complicated break up to jump into a complicated single life?

A few months ago, I gave up online dating because I was too awkward and I had a hard time feeling comfortable around men. There were a bunch of them in my life and I wasn't interested in a single one of them. So, I called it all quitskis. I didn't realize until I finally got closure that I didn't have it that entire time. That's the funny thing about closure. For weeks or months, you convince yourself that you're over something, and you don't realize until you're actually over it that all of that was just faking it until you could finally make it.

Well, as soon as I got into Denver, it was if a light switched on and that whole part of my life started firing up again. I started noticing attractive dudes as they passed by. I was more inclined to talk to good looking strangers. I started giving fellas the eyes (both of them). I was acting like... well, I was acting like a single chick. I guess when I was holding on to that last shred of hope that my ex and I could work it out a few years from now, I was still in it. Even though I was hanging on by a thread, I was still hanging on, and I wasn’t as open to the world around me.

I felt like I was forcing everything back then, but the most beautiful thing about really being free, being fully single, is that everything just seems easier. Everything seems simple. I may not be making my way to picking up a bunch of lovers, or getting a VIP pass to Whorefest 2012, but I’m making my way out into the world ready to be okay with being single. So that’s the place I’m at right now: simply single, finally free and ready to see what comes my way.

Longest Break Up. Ever.

That's the most 14 year old image I could find about breaking up. Because no matter who you are, or how old you are, that 14 year old girl brain still activates every now and again during a break up.

As you may have been able to tell for the past several months of posting, I've had a pretty ridiculous, long and awful break up. It's like the Neverending Story, but with fewer luck dragons and scantily clad children (I'm not a pedo, I'm just saying that the costume designer for that film probably was). Another difference is, that at one point, that movie actually ended. This breakup, however, will probably never see the credits roll.

Not only did duche-turd decide to date someone forever connected to my family, he refuses to evacuate from that whole situation no matter how ridiculous it gets. Unfortunately, he also refuses to leave me out of it. In a bold and idiotic move last week, he wrote me an email (again) telling me that he really wants to be friends, bury the axe, and all of that nonsense. Naturally, I told him off. Twice. The first email was a crazy rant. The second one was an apology turned crazy rant.

After that, I heard that he may have told his new girlfriend (my nephew's baby mama) that he still wanted to be friends with me and that he was still in love with me. Then he stood her up on Valentine's day. I thought, "finally." I figured that after that kind of treatment, that any self respecting woman would flea from the scene of the rebound.

Then my backwards girl brain started thinking that maybe we could be friends if they weren't together. Hell maybe we'd... well, let's not go there. But, you know what I was thinking. So, I mustered up an apology letter, and I really meant it. I felt bad for saying the things I did. At any rate, we started talking, I found out that somehow they were still together, but he did still have feelings for me, and he absolutely told his new girlfriend/my nephew's mother about those feelings. Crazy, huh? I felt so awful for her.

I told him that we couldn't be friends if they were still together but somehow he wore me down to some chit chat. During that chit chat, I started to realize that I really didn't want to be with this dude anymore (my relationship-y girl brain is a little slow). And the next day, he told me he felt the same way. He said we had no "romantic future" and I pretty much agreed with that (did he forget about the part where he started dating my nephew's mother a month after I left and still thinks it's no big deal?). He went on to say that even though he felt that way, that he was going to still leave his new girlfriend and take some time alone. Since he started dating a month after I left, I thought it was a pretty good idea. Since he was breaking up with her, I started dabbling in this whole "friendship" thing. We texted a lot over the next couple of days. I'm not going to lie and say that some of it wasn't flirty.

In the end, he decided not to break up with her. Instead, they had an "intense conversation." He swore up and down that it was just poor timing and that he wasn't contacting me because they were on the rocks. But as soon as I told him how I really felt about the whole thing (i.e. that it was the most entertaining train wreck of a rebound relationship that I'd ever seen), he was quick to give up on the whole friendship thing.

I pleaded with him to give me space and not to contact me while they were still together. So that's the end of that for now. Stay tuned for the next installment of the Neverending Breakup. As much as I wish this was over, I'm sure the mofo will find a way to give me a final jab. Maybe he'll even marry her out of spite. Blecht!

So what was your longest breakup?