I had one of those experiences this week and it ties directly into last week's post about lying and being gullible. It involves my ex. It's complicated in nature, and the thing about complicated things is that they're usually not the thing you should be open to. As I sit and write this, I'm sitting across from someone I could have something uncomplicated with, something honest and easy. But, we'll get to that in a minute.
About five days ago, I decided to reconnect with my ex. I wanted to check in and see where he was and show him where I was. The goal in mind was to see if we were in the same place. The place I was in: still in love, calm, open, forgiving, hopeful, and genuinely happy. The place he was in: confused, angry, begrudging, and, by every sign post I could gather, deeply unhappy. After the first day of speaking with each other, I figured he was going to need more time, but that we could foster a friendship and hopefully get to know each other from a safe distance (Was this the best idea? Probably not.). So I made plans to stay in Chicago for a few more months.
I mentioned that I was still in love with my ex. But was he still in love with me? Yes. Of course he was. Apparently those feelings were still very strong. But this was so confusing for him, that he talked to me for a few days, and then send me a melodramatic text about how he couldn't do this, because it stirred too many feelings up for him. I wanted to give him space and I understood that all of this was difficult. I really wasn't asking anything of him, so when he said that this was too hard, I let him go.
Today, I found out that he couldn't do this because he's still dating my nephew's mother in secret.
Let that settle for a minute. I know I did. And you know what I did next? I let it pass right through me as if I were transparent. This was a blessing of the best kind. I know now what lies beneath the lies. I know that someone who would deceive me, knowing how trusting I am, isn't someone I should hold out hope for. I got my sign that it's really time to move on, make the big plans, look for teaching careers in Asia... But first, I should probably seal the break up deal... You know what I'm sayin? Wink wink... nudge nudge... I'm talkin' about bonin'.
So I sit across from an artist. A pretty one. A busy one. A giving one. One with so much going on that it would be easy to slip into his life casually whenever the opening presents itself without any expectations, also, seemingly without any lies.
He seems like one of the most genuine people I've met in a long time. So he's genuine when he says he still loves his ex. He's genuine when he says he doesn't know what that means. He's genuine when he says he doesn't want anything serious. Hmmmm... Train wreck anyone? TBC...
0 comments:
Post a Comment