Where You Feel the Truth

I'm honest to a fault. Really. I know it's hard to believe, but if you can believe anyone, it would be me. I don't lie. That's the honest to God truth. Not about anything. Ever. I know it's weird and unbelievable, and I'm not saying that it's the way to live. If I had the choice, I would be better at "bending the truth", telling "little white lies" and lying by omission. I'm just an extremely bad liar and I tend to over-tell the truth. I don't tell the truth because I feel like I'm on moral high ground. I tell the truth because I can't stand the physical feeling that comes with being dishonest.

There's a huge nerve center under your diaphragm and behind your stomach that is filled with the same grey matter that your brain has. It's sometimes referred to as the brain of the gut. It's why people tell you to "listen to your gut". It's why we have butterflies in our stomach. I subscribe to the belief that people who lie a lot must not have a very sensitive brain gut. Maybe that's what they teach you in FBI training... Maybe they remove your brain gut.

Mine goes crazy when I lie. If I even contemplate telling something that I know is a falsehood, those nerves start to burn and flutter and scream, “NUH UH! NUH UH! NUH UH!”

But just because I don’t lie, that doesn’t mean I’m telling the objective truth all of the time. If I believe what I’m saying is true, I have no problem declaring untruths like, “I’m totally over my last relationship” and “I’m a vegan!”

But wait, this rant has a point. That point is that since I never lie, I always assume that everyone else is telling the truth. You could call me gullible, but I assume that people are generally good and I don’t usually give people a reason to lie to me. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like this is the case.

So now that I’m single, I’m starting to realize that people do lie. People omit the truth. People usually don't consider honesty their number one fault. At first, I believed it all. I believed my ex when he said he wanted me back and that he would wait for me to figure this out. I believed that guy travelling by motorcycle to the tip of South America when he told me he wanted me with him for the journey because I was special. I believed the online dating dude when he said he was really jazzed to meet me. None of these things turned out to be true. My ex is over me. The motorcycle guy said a week travelling with him would be more appropriate. The online dating dude stopped replying to my emails after we made plans.

But I still think that maybe they’re doing the second kind of "lying", the accidental kind. The kind that I take part in. Maybe they really believed what they said when they said it. Maybe the motorcycle guy wasn’t trying to get in my hostel bunk. Maybe my ex really did want me back before he was struck by a moment of clarity. Maybe the online guy met another chick online.

Honesty... Is it even a policy? It seems like everything else in life, the “truth” is a matter of perspective and the only thing you can do to stay above the fray, where “truth” and “lies” can hurt you, is to realize that there’s no such thing as the objective. Everything is subject to a billion different variables and can be seen from an infinite amount of angles. So, are these men bad? No, they're not. But I can’t help but begin to feel closed and jaded even though I know everything's a matter of perspective. I’m starting to feel the need to scrutinize everything anyone says. I want my gullibility back. Perhaps it's just hiding in the place that I feel the most. Maybe if I look hard enough, I can find it in the place where you feel the lies. Because, down deep in my gut brain, I know that's where you can find the truth.