The Five Guys You Meet Online

Dating blogs suck. They're inconsistant. They give you one nugget of advice one day and the next day they contradict it completely. If you haven't noticed, this too is a dating blog. And it's no different.

As much as I think that you shouldn't label things, especially if those things are people, for blogging's sake, I'm going to let you in on some truths when it comes to internet dating. Everyone is different, and everyone is filled with light and love and all of that. But there are generally five dudes that you'll meet online. I'm not saying that you don't meet some gems when you're online dating. Some of the guys that inspired this list are complete gems. I only reduce them to characters for two reasons. 1.) So they won't know that it's them. And 2.) because, if you're internet dating, no doubt you've come by some of these characters yourself.

The Puppy Dog

His profile is great. He's almost a perfect match for you. He seems like the perfect mix of confident and sweet when he's online. He's funny, but he's not Carrot Top. You're almost intimidated by him. But when you finally meet, this dude is terrified. It looks like he is going to pee on your carpet he's so anxious. He treats this meet up like a job interview and it sounds like he's been rehursing every question he asks you. "So, where were you formally educated?" Don't hold your breath for him to calm down. It's not going to happen. Just end the evening calmly and give him a pat on the head. He deserves it.

The Awesome Guy Who Thinks He's Too Good For You 

Most of the time this one comes out of nowhere. You're not even sure who sent who a message. You might not have been super interested in his profile, especially if you went out with the puppy dog first and figured this whole thing was a sham. But when you meet in person, he's phenomenal. Pretty much the coolest, sexiest dude ever. He seems interested in you, but not. And then he does, and then he doesn't. After a few times hanging out, you eventually realize that you're trying super hard to play it cool, and that's causing you to act kind of crazy. It looks like it's time to grab a copy of He's Just Not That Into You and get on with it.

The Pen Pal

You send tomes to each other back and forth. It seems like you have a lot in common and that you could really get along. At first, you're really jazzed. Three weeks later this dude is sending you hilarious messages three times a day but he still no asky you outy. This is weird. Stop it. Seriously, don't reply. Okay, but that was the last one.

The Undead and Unemployed

Oh yes. This guy is the best. And by the best, I mean he's ridiculous and a huge waste of your time. I'm not saying that it's a bad idea to date someone who doesn't have a job. Hey, in this economy... well you know. But this guy is beyond unemployed. He's a friggin' zombie. Seriously. He has like a blue green tinge to his skin and his eyes look so glazed over, you cant see if there are any synapsis' firing in his skull. He says something about selling things on ebay for a living before he orders "brraaaains" and tells you that he wants to split the bill 70-30. WTF? Discounted meals with the undead? He's more like the walking cliche of a bad date than anything else. So we're just going to have to put him out of his misery and send him back to the hell of online dating.

The Rebound

I have to admit before I say anything about the rebound, that I too am a rebound online dater. It seems that many of the "normal" people who are on these sites just got out of long term relationships and jumped into the online dating world. These guys have been part of a duo for so long, they usually have no single friends and no established way to meet desirable mates. I use the word mate because, let's face it, The Rebound usually just wants to bone. Even if they're not still pining over their ex or trying to figure out what went wrong (they probably are), they're not ready for anything serious. That's great for you if you're also in rebound mode, but it's probably not so good for you if you're looking to meet someone who's ready for something super romantic.