Longest Break Up. Ever.

That's the most 14 year old image I could find about breaking up. Because no matter who you are, or how old you are, that 14 year old girl brain still activates every now and again during a break up.

As you may have been able to tell for the past several months of posting, I've had a pretty ridiculous, long and awful break up. It's like the Neverending Story, but with fewer luck dragons and scantily clad children (I'm not a pedo, I'm just saying that the costume designer for that film probably was). Another difference is, that at one point, that movie actually ended. This breakup, however, will probably never see the credits roll.

Not only did duche-turd decide to date someone forever connected to my family, he refuses to evacuate from that whole situation no matter how ridiculous it gets. Unfortunately, he also refuses to leave me out of it. In a bold and idiotic move last week, he wrote me an email (again) telling me that he really wants to be friends, bury the axe, and all of that nonsense. Naturally, I told him off. Twice. The first email was a crazy rant. The second one was an apology turned crazy rant.

After that, I heard that he may have told his new girlfriend (my nephew's baby mama) that he still wanted to be friends with me and that he was still in love with me. Then he stood her up on Valentine's day. I thought, "finally." I figured that after that kind of treatment, that any self respecting woman would flea from the scene of the rebound.

Then my backwards girl brain started thinking that maybe we could be friends if they weren't together. Hell maybe we'd... well, let's not go there. But, you know what I was thinking. So, I mustered up an apology letter, and I really meant it. I felt bad for saying the things I did. At any rate, we started talking, I found out that somehow they were still together, but he did still have feelings for me, and he absolutely told his new girlfriend/my nephew's mother about those feelings. Crazy, huh? I felt so awful for her.

I told him that we couldn't be friends if they were still together but somehow he wore me down to some chit chat. During that chit chat, I started to realize that I really didn't want to be with this dude anymore (my relationship-y girl brain is a little slow). And the next day, he told me he felt the same way. He said we had no "romantic future" and I pretty much agreed with that (did he forget about the part where he started dating my nephew's mother a month after I left and still thinks it's no big deal?). He went on to say that even though he felt that way, that he was going to still leave his new girlfriend and take some time alone. Since he started dating a month after I left, I thought it was a pretty good idea. Since he was breaking up with her, I started dabbling in this whole "friendship" thing. We texted a lot over the next couple of days. I'm not going to lie and say that some of it wasn't flirty.

In the end, he decided not to break up with her. Instead, they had an "intense conversation." He swore up and down that it was just poor timing and that he wasn't contacting me because they were on the rocks. But as soon as I told him how I really felt about the whole thing (i.e. that it was the most entertaining train wreck of a rebound relationship that I'd ever seen), he was quick to give up on the whole friendship thing.

I pleaded with him to give me space and not to contact me while they were still together. So that's the end of that for now. Stay tuned for the next installment of the Neverending Breakup. As much as I wish this was over, I'm sure the mofo will find a way to give me a final jab. Maybe he'll even marry her out of spite. Blecht!

So what was your longest breakup?

Valentines Day Can Suck It

Valentine's Day is tomorrow and you know what that means? It means the interwebs are filled with all sorts of advice on romantic things to do with your significant other, chicks b*tching about being single and alone on V Day, or tips on how to find a date for February 14th. You know what all of this has in common? It sucks. 

It would be easy to b*tch about being single and alone on Valentines Day. It would be pointless to give you tips on how to find a date. If you go out looking super hard for a date the day before a romantic holiday, you know how it will turn out. It's going to suck. The whole ordeal sounds so forced and odd. 


Let's run a quick scenario based on the dude sitting next to me on the train. He's got a black eye and a bad case of rosacia, but I'm on a time crunch here and there are slim pickings on this train. 

First I'd have to start chatting with the dude who apparently loves to throw down fistacuffs. He mentioned giving up caffeine, so I could start there. I'll mention that I gave up caffeine two weeks ago. And since our stop is coming up in 5 minutes, I'll just go right ahead and ask him if he'd like to go out. 


When he says he has other plans, or mentions that he's not into girls who wear hiking boots in urban areas, I'll head right into a tailspin of self-esteem issues. I'll get on a dating site, text every dude in my phonebook, and start pulling my hair out until someone finally bites. I don't care who it is at this point as long as he'll accompany me to dinner. 

We'll sit down at dinner and I'll notice how much lighter my head feels without all of that useless hair. I'll look accross at my date, Bill or Phil or Kevin or whatever, and quickly down a glass of wine to cover up the intense awkward mess that my life has become. We'll talk for awhile and Bill/Phil/Kevin will say all sorts of things that make me uncomfortable given the romantic surroundings. I'll look around and see all of the real couples snuggling and kissing on each other and I'll want to barf/fake it. I'll grab Bill/Phil/Kevin's hand and pull him in for a kiss. It will be so dry and unfamilliar that I'll just grab the bottle of wine and run out of the restaurant. 

I'll spend the rest of my Valentine's day stumbling around on the streets with my bottle of wine, pretending to put heartbreak curses on loving couples who pass me by. I'll get arrested and lick the face of the first police officer that gets within licking distance. After all of that, I'll pass out without brushing my red wine teeth, and before I doze off, I'll get the sinking feeling that I'm going to be doing this next year too. Doesn't that just sound delightful?

Instead of all of that, I'm going to leave the fighter alone. I'll do a bunch of yoga, drink a glass of wine and spend the evening catching up with all my single besties via Skype, then I'll fall asleep to a movie starring Jason Segal. A woman can dream, and I want my VDay dreams to be about that dude.

Breaking News: Newly Single Woman Struggles With Lonliness

A friend of mine flew in from Panama yesterday and we had dinner at this wonderful Indian restaurant in Wicker park. Soph and I haven't known each other for very long. I just met her when I took a trip to Panama in December. But we're kindred spirits to say the least. It's always wonderful to click with a stranger, but for that stranger to become one of your closest confidants in such a short amount of time... Well, it is just so lovely. We both love food blogs, travel, photography, yoga, sunshine and Central America. She's also a recently single gal who picked up and relocated after the break up. As a matter of fact, while I was putting states between me and my ole lover, Sophie moved to a completely different country from hers. She was taking breaking-up continental.

We were catching up last night and she said, "I just wish that I could just come home, and even though everything else is shit, just curl up on a man's chest and feel safe. Even if that relationship sucked, it would be nice just to have that minute before you fall asleep to feel safe." We went on to joke about blow up dolls and man pillows. We came to the conclusion that for a man-stand-in to work, it must be warm and include features like 'a furry chest' and 'nipples'.

This conversation speaks volumes about single women. Newsflash! It gets lonely, especially in the beginning. But the part that says the most about us is the idea that we could even fathom being in our old dysfunctional relationships for just a little bit of comfort and companionship. It's interesting that at this point, it seems that we'd consider trading in torture for that one minute before we fall asleep.

What about the other 1339 minutes? Well, that's what girlfriends are for.

Perhaps this kind of mentality is why so many single women rush into cruddy relationships right after a break up. I say that this is a good time to figure ourselves out. I think this is a perfect time for growth. It's right time that we stop feeling lonely and start feeling comfortable with being with ourselves.

Since her break up, Sophie has learned Spanish, opened up her own sushi restaurant in Panama, and has become the office manager for a Spanish speaking school. That's what I'm talking about, sista.

Post Breakup Contact

This post is about post-break up contact and how unnecessary it is. If you've just gone through a break up, and you and your ex have tried and failed at being friends, it's time to leave your ex-sig-o (ex-significant-other?) alone. There's no reason to try again and again to reach out to the other person. This is foolish repetitive behavior and it's hurtful to the other person and to yourself.

It was only a few weeks ago when we realized that we shouldn't talk to each other. We know that we can't be friends. He's in a relationship. The last time we were in contact, he cursed me up and down, told me I would die alone, and ruined any chance we had at being chummy. So why is he contacting me?

Face value, he's sending me an email just because he wants to talk to me about some new bands he's into. They'll be playing at the festival I bought tickets for before I knew he was going. Of course he would go. He knew I would be there. His ego would be too huge not to make me see them together. Why wouldn't he rub my face in it? 

At any rate, an email about bands? Puh-lease. This is pathetic. He just wanted an innocent way to get a hold of me, so that he could write it off and say, "I was just talking to you about Spotify and how awesome it is." That way, no one could get mad at him. His new girlfriend really couldn't fault him. I surely couldn't claim that he had ulterior motives. He wouldn't have to get mad at himself for reaching out. 

So I guess this post is also about what to do when an ex contacts you, not so out of the blue, after you've agreed not to speak to each other. 

If this is the first time this is happening, be nice, but firm. Just tell him you're not interested in having any communication and leave it at that. Wish him well and be on your way. Hopefully, he can take a hint that you're ready to move on.

However, if you're in the same boat that I am and you've been down this road several times before, maybe it's time to get a little firmer. Like, Abs of Steel firm. Like, The Firm, firm. Like, tell him off, firm. Is it okay that he sends you into a tailspin every few weeks when he has a random thought he'd like to share? No. Is it okay that he took your previous forgiveness as a sign that you were a doormat? Nay. Is it alright that the Kardashians are breeding? Absolutely not. Alas, all of those things are happening, and the only way to avoid being a nurse midwife to the Klohe of your broken heart (too much of a leap?) is to tell him to stuff it. 

Just make sure that you're closing the door while you tell him all of the ways that he should dissapear. You don't want this to turn into an argument. Make sure you include the phrase "there is no reason for you to respond to this email" several times. You can also throw in a "please just forget that I ever existed" for good measure. 

What do you do when your ex contacts you?