Dating Blogs Suck

Simply Single, Finally Free

2012-03-01T14:27:00.002-08:00

Isn't it funny that when you finally, fully pull yourself out of your last relationship, when you finally get some real closure, that's when dudes seem to come out of the woodwork and things seem to start rolling your way. It begins to feel as if there are men absolutely everywhere and every single one of them is your type. In this phase, it's easy to get yourself into odd situations and weird places. After you nurse your way back to normal, you can rebound, pick up some lovers, or dabble in the ever popular post-break up whorefest. But who wants to jump out of a complicated break up to jump into a complicated single life?

A few months ago, I gave up online dating because I was too awkward and I had a hard time feeling comfortable around men. There were a bunch of them in my life and I wasn't interested in a single one of them. So, I called it all quitskis. I didn't realize until I finally got closure that I didn't have it that entire time. That's the funny thing about closure. For weeks or months, you convince yourself that you're over something, and you don't realize until you're actually over it that all of that was just faking it until you could finally make it.

Well, as soon as I got into Denver, it was if a light switched on and that whole part of my life started firing up again. I started noticing attractive dudes as they passed by. I was more inclined to talk to good looking strangers. I started giving fellas the eyes (both of them). I was acting like... well, I was acting like a single chick. I guess when I was holding on to that last shred of hope that my ex and I could work it out a few years from now, I was still in it. Even though I was hanging on by a thread, I was still hanging on, and I wasn’t as open to the world around me.

I felt like I was forcing everything back then, but the most beautiful thing about really being free, being fully single, is that everything just seems easier. Everything seems simple. I may not be making my way to picking up a bunch of lovers, or getting a VIP pass to Whorefest 2012, but I’m making my way out into the world ready to be okay with being single. So that’s the place I’m at right now: simply single, finally free and ready to see what comes my way.

Longest Break Up. Ever.

2012-02-22T17:07:00.000-08:00

That's the most 14 year old image I could find about breaking up. Because no matter who you are, or how old you are, that 14 year old girl brain still activates every now and again during a break up.

As you may have been able to tell for the past several months of posting, I've had a pretty ridiculous, long and awful break up. It's like the Neverending Story, but with fewer luck dragons and scantily clad children (I'm not a pedo, I'm just saying that the costume designer for that film probably was). Another difference is, that at one point, that movie actually ended. This breakup, however, will probably never see the credits roll.

Not only did duche-turd decide to date someone forever connected to my family, he refuses to evacuate from that whole situation no matter how ridiculous it gets. Unfortunately, he also refuses to leave me out of it. In a bold and idiotic move last week, he wrote me an email (again) telling me that he really wants to be friends, bury the axe, and all of that nonsense. Naturally, I told him off. Twice. The first email was a crazy rant. The second one was an apology turned crazy rant.

After that, I heard that he may have told his new girlfriend (my nephew's baby mama) that he still wanted to be friends with me and that he was still in love with me. Then he stood her up on Valentine's day. I thought, "finally." I figured that after that kind of treatment, that any self respecting woman would flea from the scene of the rebound.

Then my backwards girl brain started thinking that maybe we could be friends if they weren't together. Hell maybe we'd... well, let's not go there. But, you know what I was thinking. So, I mustered up an apology letter, and I really meant it. I felt bad for saying the things I did. At any rate, we started talking, I found out that somehow they were still together, but he did still have feelings for me, and he absolutely told his new girlfriend/my nephew's mother about those feelings. Crazy, huh? I felt so awful for her.

I told him that we couldn't be friends if they were still together but somehow he wore me down to some chit chat. During that chit chat, I started to realize that I really didn't want to be with this dude anymore (my relationship-y girl brain is a little slow). And the next day, he told me he felt the same way. He said we had no "romantic future" and I pretty much agreed with that (did he forget about the part where he started dating my nephew's mother a month after I left and still thinks it's no big deal?). He went on to say that even though he felt that way, that he was going to still leave his new girlfriend and take some time alone. Since he started dating a month after I left, I thought it was a pretty good idea. Since he was breaking up with her, I started dabbling in this whole "friendship" thing. We texted a lot over the next couple of days. I'm not going to lie and say that some of it wasn't flirty.

In the end, he decided not to break up with her. Instead, they had an "intense conversation." He swore up and down that it was just poor timing and that he wasn't contacting me because they were on the rocks. But as soon as I told him how I really felt about the whole thing (i.e. that it was the most entertaining train wreck of a rebound relationship that I'd ever seen), he was quick to give up on the whole friendship thing.

I pleaded with him to give me space and not to contact me while they were still together. So that's the end of that for now. Stay tuned for the next installment of the Neverending Breakup. As much as I wish this was over, I'm sure the mofo will find a way to give me a final jab. Maybe he'll even marry her out of spite. Blecht!

So what was your longest breakup?

Valentines Day Can Suck It

2012-02-13T19:34:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is tomorrow and you know what that means? It means the interwebs are filled with all sorts of advice on romantic things to do with your significant other, chicks b*tching about being single and alone on V Day, or tips on how to find a date for February 14th. You know what all of this has in common? It sucks.

It would be easy to b*tch about being single and alone on Valentines Day. It would be pointless to give you tips on how to find a date. If you go out looking super hard for a date the day before a romantic holiday, you know how it will turn out. It's going to suck. The whole ordeal sounds so forced and odd.

Let's run a quick scenario based on the dude sitting next to me on the train. He's got a black eye and a bad case of rosacia, but I'm on a time crunch here and there are slim pickings on this train.

First I'd have to start chatting with the dude who apparently loves to throw down fistacuffs. He mentioned giving up caffeine, so I could start there. I'll mention that I gave up caffeine two weeks ago. And since our stop is coming up in 5 minutes, I'll just go right ahead and ask him if he'd like to go out.

When he says he has other plans, or mentions that he's not into girls who wear hiking boots in urban areas, I'll head right into a tailspin of self-esteem issues. I'll get on a dating site, text every dude in my phonebook, and start pulling my hair out until someone finally bites. I don't care who it is at this point as long as he'll accompany me to dinner.

We'll sit down at dinner and I'll notice how much lighter my head feels without all of that useless hair. I'll look accross at my date, Bill or Phil or Kevin or whatever, and quickly down a glass of wine to cover up the intense awkward mess that my life has become. We'll talk for awhile and Bill/Phil/Kevin will say all sorts of things that make me uncomfortable given the romantic surroundings. I'll look around and see all of the real couples snuggling and kissing on each other and I'll want to barf/fake it. I'll grab Bill/Phil/Kevin's hand and pull him in for a kiss. It will be so dry and unfamilliar that I'll just grab the bottle of wine and run out of the restaurant.

I'll spend the rest of my Valentine's day stumbling around on the streets with my bottle of wine, pretending to put heartbreak curses on loving couples who pass me by. I'll get arrested and lick the face of the first police officer that gets within licking distance. After all of that, I'll pass out without brushing my red wine teeth, and before I doze off, I'll get the sinking feeling that I'm going to be doing this next year too. Doesn't that just sound delightful?

Instead of all of that, I'm going to leave the fighter alone. I'll do a bunch of yoga, drink a glass of wine and spend the evening catching up with all my single besties via Skype, then I'll fall asleep to a movie starring Jason Segal. A woman can dream, and I want my VDay dreams to be about that dude.

Breaking News: Newly Single Woman Struggles With Lonliness

2012-02-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine flew in from Panama yesterday and we had dinner at this wonderful Indian restaurant in Wicker park. Soph and I haven't known each other for very long. I just met her when I took a trip to Panama in December. But we're kindred spirits to say the least. It's always wonderful to click with a stranger, but for that stranger to become one of your closest confidants in such a short amount of time... Well, it is just so lovely. We both love food blogs, travel, photography, yoga, sunshine and Central America. She's also a recently single gal who picked up and relocated after the break up. As a matter of fact, while I was putting states between me and my ole lover, Sophie moved to a completely different country from hers. She was taking breaking-up continental.

We were catching up last night and she said, "I just wish that I could just come home, and even though everything else is shit, just curl up on a man's chest and feel safe. Even if that relationship sucked, it would be nice just to have that minute before you fall asleep to feel safe." We went on to joke about blow up dolls and man pillows. We came to the conclusion that for a man-stand-in to work, it must be warm and include features like 'a furry chest' and 'nipples'.

This conversation speaks volumes about single women. Newsflash! It gets lonely, especially in the beginning. But the part that says the most about us is the idea that we could even fathom being in our old dysfunctional relationships for just a little bit of comfort and companionship. It's interesting that at this point, it seems that we'd consider trading in torture for that one minute before we fall asleep.

What about the other 1339 minutes? Well, that's what girlfriends are for.

Perhaps this kind of mentality is why so many single women rush into cruddy relationships right after a break up. I say that this is a good time to figure ourselves out. I think this is a perfect time for growth. It's right time that we stop feeling lonely and start feeling comfortable with being with ourselves.

Since her break up, Sophie has learned Spanish, opened up her own sushi restaurant in Panama, and has become the office manager for a Spanish speaking school. That's what I'm talking about, sista.

Post Breakup Contact

2012-02-02T15:28:00.001-08:00

This post is about post-break up contact and how unnecessary it is. If you've just gone through a break up, and you and your ex have tried and failed at being friends, it's time to leave your ex-sig-o (ex-significant-other?) alone. There's no reason to try again and again to reach out to the other person. This is foolish repetitive behavior and it's hurtful to the other person and to yourself.

It was only a few weeks ago when we realized that we shouldn't talk to each other. We know that we can't be friends. He's in a relationship. The last time we were in contact, he cursed me up and down, told me I would die alone, and ruined any chance we had at being chummy. So why is he contacting me?

Face value, he's sending me an email just because he wants to talk to me about some new bands he's into. They'll be playing at the festival I bought tickets for before I knew he was going. Of course he would go. He knew I would be there. His ego would be too huge not to make me see them together. Why wouldn't he rub my face in it?

At any rate, an email about bands? Puh-lease. This is pathetic. He just wanted an innocent way to get a hold of me, so that he could write it off and say, "I was just talking to you about Spotify and how awesome it is." That way, no one could get mad at him. His new girlfriend really couldn't fault him. I surely couldn't claim that he had ulterior motives. He wouldn't have to get mad at himself for reaching out.

So I guess this post is also about what to do when an ex contacts you, not so out of the blue, after you've agreed not to speak to each other.

If this is the first time this is happening, be nice, but firm. Just tell him you're not interested in having any communication and leave it at that. Wish him well and be on your way. Hopefully, he can take a hint that you're ready to move on.

However, if you're in the same boat that I am and you've been down this road several times before, maybe it's time to get a little firmer. Like, Abs of Steel firm. Like, The Firm, firm. Like, tell him off, firm. Is it okay that he sends you into a tailspin every few weeks when he has a random thought he'd like to share? No. Is it okay that he took your previous forgiveness as a sign that you were a doormat? Nay. Is it alright that the Kardashians are breeding? Absolutely not. Alas, all of those things are happening, and the only way to avoid being a nurse midwife to the Klohe of your broken heart (too much of a leap?) is to tell him to stuff it.

Just make sure that you're closing the door while you tell him all of the ways that he should dissapear. You don't want this to turn into an argument. Make sure you include the phrase "there is no reason for you to respond to this email" several times. You can also throw in a "please just forget that I ever existed" for good measure.

What do you do when your ex contacts you?

A Good Long Look in the Mirror

2012-01-24T18:58:00.000-08:00

There comes a time in every girl's life when they you get a glimpse into what you're on your way to becoming. This happened to me just seconds ago. It wasn't the prettiest of sights. That's not to say that my doppelganger wasn't pretty, it's just... well...

I knew she was a writer from the way her hands floated around her keyboard. It looked like she was playing the piano and in this digital age, it's one of the tell tale signs of a writer. If you've never noticed it before, I would suggest that you take a look around the coffee shop the next time you get a chance.

Don't look now. I'm talking here. The second way I knew that I was destined to be this woman eventually was the way that she ate while she worked. As I shoveled coffee cake into my mouth with one hand still traipsing around the keyboard, I turned to see her with her armed with a sandwich in her right hand with her left fingers pressing onto the keys.

While many people do this and call it "multi-tasking" writers do it and call it writing. There was garbage, dirty plates and stuff all over her table. It was like a mirror image of my table. We were both sitting in the very back of the coffee shop. And you may have guessed it, she was rocking the stretchy pants too. I wonder if she wrote for an entertainment blog, vegan recipe blog or a cruddy dating blog. I bet she did.

Aside from her disheveled appearance and work space, there was this one other thing we had in common. This similarity was different in that I didn't realize that I did this thing until I was seated next to this woman.I make faces. I make condescending-eyebrows-up faces. I smile whole heartedly. My face turns to grimace. And I don't do this in any direction but the computer. She clutched her chest and put her hands up to her face smiling. Then her demeanor changed from confused to angry. From the outside, this woman was crazy. There's absolutely nothing happening. Oh, but I understand. I get you coffee shop chick. We're in our own little worlds, only looking up to glance around the coffee shop and then diving back below into the world that is writing.

So what does this have to do with dating? Everything. I've never seen a woman look so unavailable. And I didn't realize that I looked the same way. I mean, I know I want to cool my jets on dating, but is this what I want to crawl out of when I'm interested in meeting a man again? No thank you.

So thank you, coffee shop chick. Thank you for the big long look in the mirror. May your hands continue to dance the keys. May your stretchy pants never lose their form. May you finally discover that all of your buttons are just one off. May you clean up well.

Cutting Back

2012-01-20T11:30:00.000-08:00

These last few posts have been about the plethora of men that have been throwing themselves at my feet. Okay, maybe they're not throwing themselves at my feet, but they've been texting and emailing the eff out of me.

It's been really fun doing this whole active dating thing, but it's become more than little confusing trying to keep it all straight. So, I'm going to have to make that decision to cut back on my dating life a little bit. Online dating has been a great experience, but I just took on a bigger commitment at work, and I'm studying writing and yoga extensively. With all of those time commitments, I have plenty of men blowing up my phone on a daily basis. It seems that it's time to kill the OkCupid profile for awhile.

I'm sure this has happened to many of you lady folks out there. I was hanging out with a senior software engineer this weekend who described how different it is to be a man on a free dating site. Adam claimed that on sites like OkCupid, women's inboxes get flooded with messages and most men hear back from about one girl out of every four that they send messages to. At a 25% return rate, I imagine that that could get a little disheartening.

But from a women's perspective, that means that tons of guys are trying to contact you on a regular basis. There's no way to keep up with all of it. The thing is, that most of them are really cool. I've only had one bad meet up experience from online dating. And I can't say that it was even that bad. It was just awkward. As a matter of fact, it was super awkward. We'll save that story for a later time and place when all of this dating dust has settled.

Aside from that, an opportunity has arisen for me to study yoga in Denver in March. So it really wouldn't be fair to continue to pursue men in this city when I may be moving on again in a month and a half. So, it seems that it may be time to put my dating life on pause.

No worries though, even though I'm taking a break, I still have tons of material for this sucky dating blog that I've gathered over the past few months.

Have you ever taken yourself off the market for awhile? How was it? Boring? Healthy? A good idea? A cruddy idea?f

The Five Guys You Meet Online

2012-01-14T00:20:00.000-08:00

Dating blogs suck. They're inconsistant. They give you one nugget of advice one day and the next day they contradict it completely. If you haven't noticed, this too is a dating blog. And it's no different.

As much as I think that you shouldn't label things, especially if those things are people, for blogging's sake, I'm going to let you in on some truths when it comes to internet dating. Everyone is different, and everyone is filled with light and love and all of that. But there are generally five dudes that you'll meet online. I'm not saying that you don't meet some gems when you're online dating. Some of the guys that inspired this list are complete gems. I only reduce them to characters for two reasons. 1.) So they won't know that it's them. And 2.) because, if you're internet dating, no doubt you've come by some of these characters yourself.

The Puppy Dog

His profile is great. He's almost a perfect match for you. He seems like the perfect mix of confident and sweet when he's online. He's funny, but he's not Carrot Top. You're almost intimidated by him. But when you finally meet, this dude is terrified. It looks like he is going to pee on your carpet he's so anxious. He treats this meet up like a job interview and it sounds like he's been rehursing every question he asks you. "So, where were you formally educated?" Don't hold your breath for him to calm down. It's not going to happen. Just end the evening calmly and give him a pat on the head. He deserves it.

The Awesome Guy Who Thinks He's Too Good For You

Most of the time this one comes out of nowhere. You're not even sure who sent who a message. You might not have been super interested in his profile, especially if you went out with the puppy dog first and figured this whole thing was a sham. But when you meet in person, he's phenomenal. Pretty much the coolest, sexiest dude ever. He seems interested in you, but not. And then he does, and then he doesn't. After a few times hanging out, you eventually realize that you're trying super hard to play it cool, and that's causing you to act kind of crazy. It looks like it's time to grab a copy of He's Just Not That Into You and get on with it.

The Pen Pal

You send tomes to each other back and forth. It seems like you have a lot in common and that you could really get along. At first, you're really jazzed. Three weeks later this dude is sending you hilarious messages three times a day but he still no asky you outy. This is weird. Stop it. Seriously, don't reply. Okay, but that was the last one.

The Undead and Unemployed

Oh yes. This guy is the best. And by the best, I mean he's ridiculous and a huge waste of your time. I'm not saying that it's a bad idea to date someone who doesn't have a job. Hey, in this economy... well you know. But this guy is beyond unemployed. He's a friggin' zombie. Seriously. He has like a blue green tinge to his skin and his eyes look so glazed over, you cant see if there are any synapsis' firing in his skull. He says something about selling things on ebay for a living before he orders "brraaaains" and tells you that he wants to split the bill 70-30. WTF? Discounted meals with the undead? He's more like the walking cliche of a bad date than anything else. So we're just going to have to put him out of his misery and send him back to the hell of online dating.

The Rebound

I have to admit before I say anything about the rebound, that I too am a rebound online dater. It seems that many of the "normal" people who are on these sites just got out of long term relationships and jumped into the online dating world. These guys have been part of a duo for so long, they usually have no single friends and no established way to meet desirable mates. I use the word mate because, let's face it, The Rebound usually just wants to bone. Even if they're not still pining over their ex or trying to figure out what went wrong (they probably are), they're not ready for anything serious. That's great for you if you're also in rebound mode, but it's probably not so good for you if you're looking to meet someone who's ready for something super romantic.

How To Beat Them Off With a Stick

2012-01-06T08:01:00.000-08:00

Since this post is following up the last post about being popular with the fellas, this might start sounding like a cocky/whiny dating blog. Trust, ladies. It's not. But if it were, dating blogs suck, and this one is no different. I just have a tale to tell and since I'm new to this whole dating thing, I could use some help figuring out how to deal with situations such as this one.

Yesterday, I went on a date. I went on a date with a lovely man with a lovely mind. We talked for hours over a few beers and the time just flowed over us. We never encountered a dull moment. He never once gave me his software developer job description in the several hours that we hung out. I'm not saying that we're a match made in heaven, but we connected for sure. At any rate, we're having this lovely time and he's filling in some gaps in my thoughts, and giving me a new perspective on things that I already felt to be true and... well, things were going goooood (extra o's included).

We were sitting there, chatting away, when the headlining stand up comedian from a comedy show downstairs, barges in on our conversation. He notes that we must be having a really great date since we were still there after a three hour long comedy show. He jokingly asked if he could play at our wedding and bought us a round of shots. Then he began to linger. Even though I wanted to continue talking to Tim (the dude I was kicking it with), I kinda suck at being rude to strangers and tend to love being around fellow aspiring comedians. I was also a little drunk and was beginning to see us as the blurry three amigos.

After some time, the comedian kept hanging around, buying more shots, more drinks, and telling Tim how to go about setting up a second date. I start to notice that the comedian was trying to upstage Tim, but I figured this was just what stand up comedians do. I figured he was trying to get a couple of fans. I figured he was just networking. He hijacked my phone and this was the conversation I found when I was on my way home:

My Phone: Your so funny.

His Phone: Thank you. Your so kind. Your date wants me to leave. He really likes you. Good luck. If it doesn't work out, drop me a line.

My phone: You definitely have to perform at my wedding.

His Phone: Of course I will. Your to kind with your words. I hope Tom does well.

Then later...

His phone: Nice meeting you Corrine. Not sure if that's spelled right, but I try. So how did the first date go? Scale of 1 to 10. 10 best, 1 worst.

The end.

This seemed super odd to me, but I'm not sure. Is this a weird occurrence? Or is this just the dating world? Tell me your strangest hijacked date moment and you could win a new phone that already has a text in the inbox that says "I love you." Okay, not really, but you should share your weird dating story with me anyway.

What To Do With a Full Dance Card

2011-12-30T11:54:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how my dance card got so full, or how it happened so quickly. I'm also not sure why I'm using a completely outdated term to describe the fact that I have too many suitors. I just did it again. I guess my brain is stuck in an 18th century dating vocabulary bubble. At any rate I've backed myself into one of those lucky girl problems that I'm not sure how to handle at the moment. You've heard the phrase "feast or famine." Well, I guess that's true in everything, in freelance writing work, in literal foodstuffs, and in dating.

You all know that I'm new to the dating scene. As such, I'm not really sure what to do with myself in some of these situations. Right now, I'm experiencing an influx of interested menfolk that my motherboard can't quite handle. I have text messages flying in every direction. Coffee meet-ups scheduled all over the place, possibly on the same day. I'm not even sure anymore. I'm sending e-mails to the wrong dudes (ohhhh... you're not the Tim with the awesome Tumblr blog, you're the Australian Tim that plays the flute). On top of all of the structured and methodical online dating that I'm taking part in, I'm also meeting people in real life that are trying to get on my band wagon.

Is a dating life something that I'm going to have to set a schedule for? I'm just looking to meet some cool people, I'm not searching for another time management issue that keeps me from writing my vegan recipe blog. It seems that as soon as I opened the door a crack to start meeting the mens, that someone knocked down the door and it's all flying at me at once.

I have to say that most of these guys totally fall in the friends category. I've met some amazing dudes who are talented and sweet and good looking, but I'm just not romantically interested in any of them. To be honest, I've only found myself fully attracted to one man since this dating debacle began and wouldn't you know it? He's as emotionally unavailable as they get. That's cool though. He's fantastic. They're all fantastic.

But I feel like I'm being constantly bombarded with romantic gestures and propositions. Is there a way to be graceful about rejecting those kinds of things? I've been handling it all like an even more awkward version of Zooey Deschanel.

Do you have any advice? What do you do when your dance card is full?

Lies: A Sign Post to the Truth

2011-12-21T16:01:00.000-08:00

That last post was so fitting, looking back on it. It's funny the way things work, how quickly things move and how fast you can sometimes realize that you're moving in the wrong direction.

I had one of those experiences this week and it ties directly into last week's post about lying and being gullible. It involves my ex. It's complicated in nature, and the thing about complicated things is that they're usually not the thing you should be open to. As I sit and write this, I'm sitting across from someone I could have something uncomplicated with, something honest and easy. But, we'll get to that in a minute.

About five days ago, I decided to reconnect with my ex. I wanted to check in and see where he was and show him where I was. The goal in mind was to see if we were in the same place. The place I was in: still in love, calm, open, forgiving, hopeful, and genuinely happy. The place he was in: confused, angry, begrudging, and, by every sign post I could gather, deeply unhappy. After the first day of speaking with each other, I figured he was going to need more time, but that we could foster a friendship and hopefully get to know each other from a safe distance (Was this the best idea? Probably not.). So I made plans to stay in Chicago for a few more months.

I mentioned that I was still in love with my ex. But was he still in love with me? Yes. Of course he was. Apparently those feelings were still very strong. But this was so confusing for him, that he talked to me for a few days, and then send me a melodramatic text about how he couldn't do this, because it stirred too many feelings up for him. I wanted to give him space and I understood that all of this was difficult. I really wasn't asking anything of him, so when he said that this was too hard, I let him go.

Today, I found out that he couldn't do this because he's still dating my nephew's mother in secret.

Let that settle for a minute. I know I did. And you know what I did next? I let it pass right through me as if I were transparent. This was a blessing of the best kind. I know now what lies beneath the lies. I know that someone who would deceive me, knowing how trusting I am, isn't someone I should hold out hope for. I got my sign that it's really time to move on, make the big plans, look for teaching careers in Asia... But first, I should probably seal the break up deal... You know what I'm sayin? Wink wink... nudge nudge... I'm talkin' about bonin'.

So I sit across from an artist. A pretty one. A busy one. A giving one. One with so much going on that it would be easy to slip into his life casually whenever the opening presents itself without any expectations, also, seemingly without any lies.

He seems like one of the most genuine people I've met in a long time. So he's genuine when he says he still loves his ex. He's genuine when he says he doesn't know what that means. He's genuine when he says he doesn't want anything serious. Hmmmm... Train wreck anyone? TBC...

Where You Feel the Truth

2011-12-18T09:07:00.000-08:00

I'm honest to a fault. Really. I know it's hard to believe, but if you can believe anyone, it would be me. I don't lie. That's the honest to God truth. Not about anything. Ever. I know it's weird and unbelievable, and I'm not saying that it's the way to live. If I had the choice, I would be better at "bending the truth", telling "little white lies" and lying by omission. I'm just an extremely bad liar and I tend to over-tell the truth. I don't tell the truth because I feel like I'm on moral high ground. I tell the truth because I can't stand the physical feeling that comes with being dishonest.

There's a huge nerve center under your diaphragm and behind your stomach that is filled with the same grey matter that your brain has. It's sometimes referred to as the brain of the gut. It's why people tell you to "listen to your gut". It's why we have butterflies in our stomach. I subscribe to the belief that people who lie a lot must not have a very sensitive brain gut. Maybe that's what they teach you in FBI training... Maybe they remove your brain gut.

Mine goes crazy when I lie. If I even contemplate telling something that I know is a falsehood, those nerves start to burn and flutter and scream, “NUH UH! NUH UH! NUH UH!”

But just because I don’t lie, that doesn’t mean I’m telling the objective truth all of the time. If I believe what I’m saying is true, I have no problem declaring untruths like, “I’m totally over my last relationship” and “I’m a vegan!”

But wait, this rant has a point. That point is that since I never lie, I always assume that everyone else is telling the truth. You could call me gullible, but I assume that people are generally good and I don’t usually give people a reason to lie to me. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like this is the case.

So now that I’m single, I’m starting to realize that people do lie. People omit the truth. People usually don't consider honesty their number one fault. At first, I believed it all. I believed my ex when he said he wanted me back and that he would wait for me to figure this out. I believed that guy travelling by motorcycle to the tip of South America when he told me he wanted me with him for the journey because I was special. I believed the online dating dude when he said he was really jazzed to meet me. None of these things turned out to be true. My ex is over me. The motorcycle guy said a week travelling with him would be more appropriate. The online dating dude stopped replying to my emails after we made plans.

But I still think that maybe they’re doing the second kind of "lying", the accidental kind. The kind that I take part in. Maybe they really believed what they said when they said it. Maybe the motorcycle guy wasn’t trying to get in my hostel bunk. Maybe my ex really did want me back before he was struck by a moment of clarity. Maybe the online guy met another chick online.

Honesty... Is it even a policy? It seems like everything else in life, the “truth” is a matter of perspective and the only thing you can do to stay above the fray, where “truth” and “lies” can hurt you, is to realize that there’s no such thing as the objective. Everything is subject to a billion different variables and can be seen from an infinite amount of angles. So, are these men bad? No, they're not. But I can’t help but begin to feel closed and jaded even though I know everything's a matter of perspective. I’m starting to feel the need to scrutinize everything anyone says. I want my gullibility back. Perhaps it's just hiding in the place that I feel the most. Maybe if I look hard enough, I can find it in the place where you feel the lies. Because, down deep in my gut brain, I know that's where you can find the truth.

Radical Rules For Internet Dating

2011-11-21T17:15:00.000-08:00

It's 2011. Dating via the web is no longer new and while it might carry a tiny bit of stigma with it, it's a pretty socially acceptable way to find a mate. Since this isn't your run of the mill dating blog, we're not going to give you run of the mill dating advice about meeting people in the online realm.

You want know why? Because most dating blogs talk to you about you as the ultimate being and talk about the other person involved like they're some kind of alien creature. That's delusional, at best. And it can ultimately harm your chances at having a truly healthy relationship or dating life. The other reason this blog is going to follow a different philosophy is because if you follow a lot of conventional advice in most dating blogs, it will turn you one big schizophrenic mess. One minute you're all coy and chill and "giving him space" and the next minute, you're "standing up for yourself", "getting him to see your point of view", and dropping ultimatums like they're hot.

This blog is about learning to date in a radical way. Have you ever read Eckhart Tolle? Studied the basics of Buddhism? Been in a sane relationship without attachment? Then you might get where this blog is going. If not, then hold on to your hats! We're going to be discussing ways to experience sane, modern, dating and non-attached relationships. When we talk about non-attachment dating, we're not necessarily talking about open relationships. Non-attachement relationships can be monogamous, and they stand to be much more fulfilling and freeing than clingy, grasping, possessive conventional relationships.

1.Be specifically and completely honest: The point of internet dating isn't to get the most messages. It's to find someone that you could potentially jive with. When you fill out your profile, be direct and be you. If you're looking for something serious, say that. If you're not comfortable with sleeping with someone until you get to know them, say that. If you're looking for a one night stand, be especially honest. Sure, it might be harder to get laid, but it will save people from investing their time on someone who just wants a piece of tail.

Don't Google someone's interests and tell them that you love the same things. It's weird and it's dishonest. There's no reason to go to that place before you even meet someone. Taking part in that kind of behavior will only get you stuck in something fake.

2. Don't lead people on to get attention. Simply put, don't talk to people in order to fish for compliments. Feeding your ego is super unattractive and it's just not good karma.

3. Don't meet people online if you don't intend on meeting them in person. This one is similar to the last two. It really boils down to one thing and that's being respectful of other people. Don't even put up a profile if you don't really want to meet people online.

4. Don't be crazy. There are tons of ways to be crazy when you're internet dating. Here are a few: checking a potential date's profile over and over again, memorizing it, Googling them incessantly, doing background checks, getting tattoos of their okcupid handle, etc.

5. Don't go into it with any expectations. He might have the best profile you've ever seen. He might be the most beautiful man on the planet. He might dig all of the same things you do. Even if those things are true, don't go into it thinking that you two are the perfect match and all you have to do is convince him. Don't pretend like you don't do it (Come on, ladies. Who are you fooling?).

This kind of thinking will ultimately lead you to a dead end. You'll begin playing the role of his perfect girl. Perhaps he'll play along and get into the role of the man of your dreams. This isn't genuine and you can only stay in these roles for so long. Don't try to impress him. Just get genuinely interested in being present with him. Does that make sense? Eckhart Tolle can help:

In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.

You can't really build a foundation for this kind of relationship when you begin desperately wanting the other person to be interested in you. I'm still working out the kinks to figure out whether this "wanting" includes sexual attraction. I mean if you're genuinely paying attention to a super good looking man and he's really interested, how are you supposed to deal with that? It's pretty torturous if you ask me.

What do you think?

This was actually all inspired from reading some Eckhart Tolle this past week. I decided to take some of the things we were experiencing and try to incorporate them into a dating blog. I thought it might help this particular dating blog suck just a little less.

If it's not our thing, we can always go back to what this blog was supposed to be about... making fun of dating blogs and telling self-depricating dating stories. We'll see what works.

What do you think?

Here's to Rushing In

2011-11-18T10:18:00.000-08:00

Before I tell you what happened when I ended up back in the dating cesspool, I figured I should let you know why I'm here in the first place.

I'm still trying to figure everything out and I'm not sure whether the tide is going in or out. Perhaps this will help make heads or tails of everything. When a relationship ends, you tend to ask yourself the same questions: why did this happen/what's wrong with me/is ending this a mistake?

The answers seem easier to come by every day. Is it because we rushed into it? Did we make a mistake by rushing out of it? Was it all a waste? All of these questions could be answered with a definite "No."

We loved each other for almost two years and neither of us did the real work that needed to be done. That's not to say we didn't try. You've heard the expression, "work smarter, not harder." That's really what we needed to do. Maybe we could have detached, stopped holding on so hard and formed something genuine. Maybe not.

But there comes a point in every relationship when things are hard and you need help, or to hit a reset button or to remember what you're doing it all for. Instead of doing any of that, you also have the option of giving up. Most people give up on relationships when they're too difficult. We took that route.

We decided not to hit the reset button, get the help of a clinical psychologist or love each other unconditionally. He was on to the next one and I was abruptly motivated to move on as well.

Even though it's been a difficult period in time, at the moment, I'm not clinging on to anything. I'm truly content with the way things ended. And I'm truly content with the path my life is taking. I know things will fall into place and that hindsight will be 20/20.

A few weeks ago I wanted to run back and force everything back together. I fully realize how stupid that sounds. Reading about it makes me feel like an idiot. It felt like I wanted to run into someone's arms because they were thinking about holding onto someone else. I trusted myself and listened when my heart and head told me to run away. It was the best possible decision.

In this last month, I've grown into a person I really respect. I've been on a fast track to understanding all of this and making sense of what happened. I've learned a lot about what makes a genuine relationship and even though I'm still trying to figure it all out, I'm finding it to be a lovely experience.

But next week's post about last week's date should be pretty hilarious. And whatever happens in the weeks to come, happens.

Damn, I'm so zen about this shtuff.

Have you ever let a break up settle and regretted not rushing back? Just wondering.

Welcome to Dating Blogs Suck!

2011-11-16T17:33:00.000-08:00

That's me! To the right. And right now, I'm what I'd like to call a relationshipwreck. Paint covered hoodie, stretchy pants covered in some kind of cheese dust, sexy slippers=Relationshipwreckwear... Do I smell a clothing line opportunity?

Are you a relationshipwreck? Do you feel stranded, dirty, confused, whiny, starving and crazed. I sure do! I mean, I made up the term to describe what I feel like my life has turned into, that is, if you could call it a life. It's much closer to Cast Away than Sex in the City 2. I'm actually pretty okay with that.

I'm starting this blog to document the upcoming weeks, months, years of my romantic future. I went through a break up a month ago and it's really starting to hit me. I'm not sure why the walls are caving in after 36 days, but they're crumbling all around me. So here's where I'm at:

I moved in with my parents.

I bought a ticket to Panama City,Panama.

I traveled around the Midwest following my favorite band.

All of that is/was awesome.

But now I'm sitting in my childhood bedroom. Wondering where to go next.

I have bags under my eyes the size of Texas.

I don't think I've had a drink of water in two days.

I forget to eat.

As a result, I'm looking pretty emaciated.

I pretty much stopped brushing my hair.

I have a dreadlock.

I listen to way too much Bon Iver.

I wear stretchy pants every day.

I troll okcupid.com like it's nobody's business. And it's not nobody's business (double negative fun!), so I do it secretly.

I seriously look and feel like I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck, living my days on a chilly island with WIFI. The best way to cure all of these maladies? Get ready to start dating again! Yep, I'm getting back on the pony fast and I think I'm ready...

Okay, I'll admit it, I'm super not ready. I might be rushing into dating, but it's not because I can't handle living without a man in my life. To be honest, I'm lonely and I'm bored and I want someone to call me pretty. Is that wrong? Eff you, I'm broken hearted. I do what I want.

I never really enjoyed dating before, but I think I'm going to be awesome at it this time (not). But there's still one little problem. The thing is, and I don't mean to sound egotistical about this, but men fall in love with me really easily. It's true, and it's one reason I've been called a serial monogamist. When men fall in love with me, I generally think, "Okay. I can do this again."

I'm a good catch. I have a good job. I'm a pretty lady. I'm smart, intelligent, free spirited, socially minded, eco-friendly and spontaneous. I'm super low maintenance (see: stretchy pants) until I get stuck in a long term relationship that I can't seem to get out of. Then, I'm straight up craaazy. Or unless I just got out of a relationship. Then, I'm also straight up craaaaazy.

But I've coined a new term: Daternator. It's a combination of the words date, detonate and terminator. I plan on self destructing at every possible moment that might lead to a more romantic moment. If a dude gets too into this, I'm going to have to daternate. I'll pretend I'm pregnant with someone else's baby, that I'm an FBI agent or just tell him the truth (what a concept). My plan is to see the world, learn everything I can, and hopefully end up with an Eat, Pray, Love ending to the tale. That's totally possible when you're living in your parents house, right?

BTW, I have my first blind date this Friday. This should be interesting. Wish me luck!