What To Do With a Full Dance Card

I'm not sure how my dance card got so full, or how it happened so quickly. I'm also not sure why I'm using a completely outdated term to describe the fact that I have too many suitors. I just did it again. I guess my brain is stuck in an 18th century dating vocabulary bubble. At any rate I've backed myself into one of those lucky girl problems that I'm not sure how to handle at the moment. You've heard the phrase "feast or famine." Well, I guess that's true in everything, in freelance writing work, in literal foodstuffs, and in dating.

You all know that I'm new to the dating scene. As such, I'm not really sure what to do with myself in some of these situations. Right now, I'm experiencing an influx of interested menfolk that my motherboard can't quite handle. I have text messages flying in every direction. Coffee meet-ups scheduled all over the place, possibly on the same day. I'm not even sure anymore. I'm sending e-mails to the wrong dudes (ohhhh... you're not the Tim with the awesome Tumblr blog, you're the Australian Tim that plays the flute). On top of all of the structured and methodical online dating that I'm taking part in, I'm also meeting people in real life that are trying to get on my band wagon.

Is a dating life something that I'm going to have to set a schedule for? I'm just looking to meet some cool people, I'm not searching for another time management issue that keeps me from writing my vegan recipe blog. It seems that as soon as I opened the door a crack to start meeting the mens, that someone knocked down the door and it's all flying at me at once.

I have to say that most of these guys totally fall in the friends category. I've met some amazing dudes who are talented and sweet and good looking, but I'm just not romantically interested in any of them. To be honest, I've only found myself fully attracted to one man since this dating debacle began and wouldn't you know it? He's as emotionally unavailable as they get. That's cool though. He's fantastic. They're all fantastic.

But I feel like I'm being constantly bombarded with romantic gestures and propositions. Is there a way to be graceful about rejecting those kinds of things? I've been handling it all like an even more awkward version of Zooey Deschanel.

Do you have any advice? What do you do when your dance card is full?

Lies: A Sign Post to the Truth

That last post was so fitting, looking back on it. It's funny the way things work, how quickly things move and how fast you can sometimes realize that you're moving in the wrong direction.

I had one of those experiences this week and it ties directly into last week's post about lying and being gullible. It involves my ex. It's complicated in nature, and the thing about complicated things is that they're usually not the thing you should be open to. As I sit and write this, I'm sitting across from someone I could have something uncomplicated with, something honest and easy. But, we'll get to that in a minute.

About five days ago, I decided to reconnect with my ex. I wanted to check in and see where he was and show him where I was. The goal in mind was to see if we were in the same place. The place I was in: still in love, calm, open, forgiving, hopeful, and genuinely happy. The place he was in: confused, angry, begrudging, and, by every sign post I could gather, deeply unhappy. After the first day of speaking with each other, I figured he was going to need more time, but that we could foster a friendship and hopefully get to know each other from a safe distance (Was this the best idea? Probably not.). So I made plans to stay in Chicago for a few more months.

I mentioned that I was still in love with my ex. But was he still in love with me? Yes. Of course he was. Apparently those feelings were still very strong. But this was so confusing for him, that he talked to me for a few days, and then send me a melodramatic text about how he couldn't do this, because it stirred too many feelings up for him. I wanted to give him space and I understood that all of this was difficult. I really wasn't asking anything of him, so when he said that this was too hard, I let him go.

Today, I found out that he couldn't do this because he's still dating my nephew's mother in secret.

Let that settle for a minute. I know I did. And you know what I did next? I let it pass right through me as if I were transparent. This was a blessing of the best kind. I know now what lies beneath the lies. I know that someone who would deceive me, knowing how trusting I am, isn't someone I should hold out hope for. I got my sign that it's really time to move on, make the big plans, look for teaching careers in Asia... But first, I should probably seal the break up deal... You know what I'm sayin? Wink wink... nudge nudge... I'm talkin' about bonin'.

So I sit across from an artist. A pretty one. A busy one. A giving one. One with so much going on that it would be easy to slip into his life casually whenever the opening presents itself without any expectations, also, seemingly without any lies.

He seems like one of the most genuine people I've met in a long time. So he's genuine when he says he still loves his ex. He's genuine when he says he doesn't know what that means. He's genuine when he says he doesn't want anything serious. Hmmmm... Train wreck anyone? TBC...

Where You Feel the Truth

I'm honest to a fault. Really. I know it's hard to believe, but if you can believe anyone, it would be me. I don't lie. That's the honest to God truth. Not about anything. Ever. I know it's weird and unbelievable, and I'm not saying that it's the way to live. If I had the choice, I would be better at "bending the truth", telling "little white lies" and lying by omission. I'm just an extremely bad liar and I tend to over-tell the truth. I don't tell the truth because I feel like I'm on moral high ground. I tell the truth because I can't stand the physical feeling that comes with being dishonest.

There's a huge nerve center under your diaphragm and behind your stomach that is filled with the same grey matter that your brain has. It's sometimes referred to as the brain of the gut. It's why people tell you to "listen to your gut". It's why we have butterflies in our stomach. I subscribe to the belief that people who lie a lot must not have a very sensitive brain gut. Maybe that's what they teach you in FBI training... Maybe they remove your brain gut.

Mine goes crazy when I lie. If I even contemplate telling something that I know is a falsehood, those nerves start to burn and flutter and scream, “NUH UH! NUH UH! NUH UH!”

But just because I don’t lie, that doesn’t mean I’m telling the objective truth all of the time. If I believe what I’m saying is true, I have no problem declaring untruths like, “I’m totally over my last relationship” and “I’m a vegan!”

But wait, this rant has a point. That point is that since I never lie, I always assume that everyone else is telling the truth. You could call me gullible, but I assume that people are generally good and I don’t usually give people a reason to lie to me. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like this is the case.

So now that I’m single, I’m starting to realize that people do lie. People omit the truth. People usually don't consider honesty their number one fault. At first, I believed it all. I believed my ex when he said he wanted me back and that he would wait for me to figure this out. I believed that guy travelling by motorcycle to the tip of South America when he told me he wanted me with him for the journey because I was special. I believed the online dating dude when he said he was really jazzed to meet me. None of these things turned out to be true. My ex is over me. The motorcycle guy said a week travelling with him would be more appropriate. The online dating dude stopped replying to my emails after we made plans.

But I still think that maybe they’re doing the second kind of "lying", the accidental kind. The kind that I take part in. Maybe they really believed what they said when they said it. Maybe the motorcycle guy wasn’t trying to get in my hostel bunk. Maybe my ex really did want me back before he was struck by a moment of clarity. Maybe the online guy met another chick online.

Honesty... Is it even a policy? It seems like everything else in life, the “truth” is a matter of perspective and the only thing you can do to stay above the fray, where “truth” and “lies” can hurt you, is to realize that there’s no such thing as the objective. Everything is subject to a billion different variables and can be seen from an infinite amount of angles. So, are these men bad? No, they're not. But I can’t help but begin to feel closed and jaded even though I know everything's a matter of perspective. I’m starting to feel the need to scrutinize everything anyone says. I want my gullibility back. Perhaps it's just hiding in the place that I feel the most. Maybe if I look hard enough, I can find it in the place where you feel the lies. Because, down deep in my gut brain, I know that's where you can find the truth.

Radical Rules For Internet Dating

It's 2011. Dating via the web is no longer new and while it might carry a tiny bit of stigma with it, it's a pretty socially acceptable way to find a mate. Since this isn't your run of the mill dating blog, we're not going to give you run of the mill dating advice about meeting people in the online realm.

You want know why? Because most dating blogs talk to you about you as the ultimate being and talk about the other person involved like they're some kind of alien creature. That's delusional, at best. And it can ultimately harm your chances at having a truly healthy relationship or dating life. The other reason this blog is going to follow a different philosophy is because if you follow a lot of conventional advice in most dating blogs, it will turn you one big schizophrenic mess. One minute you're all coy and chill and "giving him space" and the next minute, you're "standing up for yourself", "getting him to see your point of view", and dropping ultimatums like they're hot.

This blog is about learning to date in a radical way. Have you ever read Eckhart Tolle? Studied the basics of Buddhism? Been in a sane relationship without attachment? Then you might get where this blog is going. If not, then hold on to your hats! We're going to be discussing ways to experience sane, modern, dating and non-attached relationships. When we talk about non-attachment dating, we're not necessarily talking about open relationships. Non-attachement relationships can be monogamous, and they stand to be much more fulfilling and freeing than clingy, grasping, possessive conventional relationships.

1.Be specifically and completely honest: The point of internet dating isn't to get the most messages. It's to find someone that you could potentially jive with. When you fill out your profile, be direct and be you. If you're looking for something serious, say that. If you're not comfortable with sleeping with someone until you get to know them, say that. If you're looking for a one night stand, be especially honest. Sure, it might be harder to get laid, but it will save people from investing their time on someone who just wants a piece of tail.

Don't Google someone's interests and tell them that you love the same things. It's weird and it's dishonest. There's no reason to go to that place before you even meet someone. Taking part in that kind of behavior will only get you stuck in something fake.

2. Don't lead people on to get attention. Simply put, don't talk to people in order to fish for compliments. Feeding your ego is super unattractive and it's just not good karma.

3. Don't meet people online if you don't intend on meeting them in person. This one is similar to the last two. It really boils down to one thing and that's being respectful of other people. Don't even put up a profile if you don't really want to meet people online.

4. Don't be crazy. There are tons of ways to be crazy when you're internet dating. Here are a few: checking a potential date's profile over and over again, memorizing it, Googling them incessantly, doing background checks, getting tattoos of their okcupid handle, etc.

5. Don't go into it with any expectations. He might have the best profile you've ever seen. He might be the most beautiful man on the planet. He might dig all of the same things you do. Even if those things are true, don't go into it thinking that you two are the perfect match and all you have to do is convince him. Don't pretend like you don't do it (Come on, ladies. Who are you fooling?).

This kind of thinking will ultimately lead you to a dead end. You'll begin playing the role of his perfect girl. Perhaps he'll play along and get into the role of the man of your dreams. This isn't genuine and you can only stay in these roles for so long. Don't try to impress him. Just get genuinely interested in being present with him. Does that make sense? Eckhart Tolle can help:

In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.

You can't really build a foundation for this kind of relationship when you begin desperately wanting the other person to be interested in you. I'm still working out the kinks to figure out whether this "wanting" includes sexual attraction. I mean if you're genuinely paying attention to a super good looking man and he's really interested, how are you supposed to deal with that? It's pretty torturous if you ask me.

What do you think?

This was actually all inspired from reading some Eckhart Tolle this past week. I decided to take some of the things we were experiencing and try to incorporate them into a dating blog. I thought it might help this particular dating blog suck just a little less.

If it's not our thing, we can always go back to what this blog was supposed to be about... making fun of dating blogs and telling self-depricating dating stories. We'll see what works.

What do you think?

Here's to Rushing In

Before I tell you what happened when I ended up back in the dating cesspool, I figured I should let you know why I'm here in the first place.

I'm still trying to figure everything out and I'm not sure whether the tide is going in or out. Perhaps this will help make heads or tails of everything. When a relationship ends, you tend to ask yourself the same questions: why did this happen/what's wrong with me/is ending this a mistake?

The answers seem easier to come by every day. Is it because we rushed into it? Did we make a mistake by rushing out of it? Was it all a waste? All of these questions could be answered with a definite "No."

We loved each other for almost two years and neither of us did the real work that needed to be done. That's not to say we didn't try. You've heard the expression, "work smarter, not harder." That's really what we needed to do. Maybe we could have detached, stopped holding on so hard and formed something genuine. Maybe not.

But there comes a point in every relationship when things are hard and you need help, or to hit a reset button or to remember what you're doing it all for. Instead of doing any of that, you also have the option of giving up. Most people give up on relationships when they're too difficult. We took that route.

We decided not to hit the reset button, get the help of a clinical psychologist or love each other unconditionally. He was on to the next one and I was abruptly motivated to move on as well.

Even though it's been a difficult period in time, at the moment, I'm not clinging on to anything. I'm truly content with the way things ended. And I'm truly content with the path my life is taking. I know things will fall into place and that hindsight will be 20/20.

A few weeks ago I wanted to run back and force everything back together. I fully realize how stupid that sounds. Reading about it makes me feel like an idiot. It felt like I wanted to run into someone's arms because they were thinking about holding onto someone else. I trusted myself and listened when my heart and head told me to run away. It was the best possible decision.

In this last month, I've grown into a person I really respect. I've been on a fast track to understanding all of this and making sense of what happened. I've learned a lot about what makes a genuine relationship and even though I'm still trying to figure it all out, I'm finding it to be a lovely experience.

But next week's post about last week's date should be pretty hilarious. And whatever happens in the weeks to come, happens.

Damn, I'm so zen about this shtuff.

Have you ever let a break up settle and regretted not rushing back? Just wondering.

Welcome to Dating Blogs Suck!

That's me! To the right. And right now, I'm what I'd like to call a relationshipwreck. Paint covered hoodie, stretchy pants covered in some kind of cheese dust, sexy slippers=Relationshipwreckwear... Do I smell a clothing line opportunity?

Are you a relationshipwreck? Do you feel stranded, dirty, confused, whiny, starving and crazed. I sure do! I mean, I made up the term to describe what I feel like my life has turned into, that is, if you could call it a life. It's much closer to Cast Away than Sex in the City 2. I'm actually pretty okay with that.

I'm starting this blog to document the upcoming weeks, months, years of my romantic future. I went through a break up a month ago and it's really starting to hit me. I'm not sure why the walls are caving in after 36 days, but they're crumbling all around me. So here's where I'm at:

• I moved in with my parents.


• I bought a ticket to Panama City,Panama.


• I traveled around the Midwest following my favorite band.


• All of that is/was awesome.


• But now I'm sitting in my childhood bedroom. Wondering where to go next.


• I have bags under my eyes the size of Texas.


• I don't think I've had a drink of water in two days.


• I forget to eat.


• As a result, I'm looking pretty emaciated.


• I pretty much stopped brushing my hair.


• I have a dreadlock.


• I listen to way too much Bon Iver.


• I wear stretchy pants every day.


• I troll okcupid.com like it's nobody's business. And it's not nobody's business (double negative fun!), so I do it secretly.

I seriously look and feel like I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck, living my days on a chilly island with WIFI. The best way to cure all of these maladies? Get ready to start dating again! Yep, I'm getting back on the pony fast and I think I'm ready...

Okay, I'll admit it, I'm super not ready. I might be rushing into dating, but it's not because I can't handle living without a man in my life. To be honest, I'm lonely and I'm bored and I want someone to call me pretty. Is that wrong? Eff you, I'm broken hearted. I do what I want.

I never really enjoyed dating before, but I think I'm going to be awesome at it this time (not). But there's still one little problem. The thing is, and I don't mean to sound egotistical about this, but men fall in love with me really easily. It's true, and it's one reason I've been called a serial monogamist. When men fall in love with me, I generally think, "Okay. I can do this again."

I'm a good catch. I have a good job. I'm a pretty lady. I'm smart, intelligent, free spirited, socially minded, eco-friendly and spontaneous. I'm super low maintenance (see: stretchy pants) until I get stuck in a long term relationship that I can't seem to get out of. Then, I'm straight up craaazy. Or unless I just got out of a relationship. Then, I'm also straight up craaaaazy.

But I've coined a new term: Daternator. It's a combination of the words date, detonate and terminator. I plan on self destructing at every possible moment that might lead to a more romantic moment. If a dude gets too into this, I'm going to have to daternate. I'll pretend I'm pregnant with someone else's baby, that I'm an FBI agent or just tell him the truth (what a concept). My plan is to see the world, learn everything I can, and hopefully end up with an Eat, Pray, Love ending to the tale. That's totally possible when you're living in your parents house, right?

BTW, I have my first blind date this Friday. This should be interesting. Wish me luck!